all i know is that i want to be happy
always.

tucked & cradled behind my little ribs
my heart is swollen.

there is so much that I miss
with all the bones
and all the flesh
of my body.

I just want to go home again.

I want to tell you
about how I got here.

you see, it happened like this:

I was a girl
I was a girl full of laughter
and the world was big
and I was lost
and confused
and I started to be sad because I couldn't see
beyond my little corner of love
(which some would say is a blessing)
but the world was big
and so were my eyes.

and my sister called
come sister, she said
and so I did
and my heart, oh my heart, felt everything that it could feel

and then there was a boy
for there is always a boy
and I fell. hard.
and my heart, beat faster & slower all at the same time
I think that I could actually feel it smile

and then my sister packed up millions of little boxes
and covered them in labels
"bathroom"
"kitchen"
"breakables"
and drove away
and I was left with the boy
who I loved. very much

but I missed her
and I missed everything even more then
because with her
I had a bit of home
and now my heart felt half empty

now my heart feels half empty

there is so much that I miss

and I want to go home again

but there is a boy
and I love him.

skid row

they don't stake their tents down
because, you know, its awfully hard
to stake a tent to dirty city sidewalks

some lay down under open night sky
in a pile of sleeping bags and
thin blankets that probably smell
like piss

and we drive by
holding each-others hands
and our full bellies
we are laughing
and talking and listening to music
and he is drinking a milkshake bigger
than my face
and he leans over and kisses me
with his vanilla lips

and I don't understand why
they are here
and not in bed

why didn't anyone say I love you
and mean it
and hold them to the ground
or lift them to the sky

why are they laying here

why can't they care
enough
to get the fuck up
to live

Ode to Yellow

Yellow

you are eggs
sunny-side up.
you giggle as I scoop you into
my open red mouth.

you are pollen, impregnating
flowers
that crawl across mountains
in wild bliss.

you, dear yellow, are the sun.

you are life.

you are the moon and the stars

you are this book that I am reading
that is telling me to write.
Write!
you are the highlighter
that I am marking it up
in--
line after line of
poignant thought.

yellow.
yell--oh.

when I close me eyes and imagine
what you must feel like
I can only think of the golden warmth
of spring
and I can only imagine that you taste
like bananas

and I am reminded of that banana tree
that use to grow behind
the apartment that I use to live in

and the walls there, that I painted
a golden hue

I am reminded, yellow, of the life that was held
within those walls

I am reminded of that life

They packed up all of the fun and drove away

Zelda is meowing in the hallway.
The house feels vacant and kinda like someone forgot to pay the electric
and the gas.
The rooms feel hollow
and my little yard cries out that it can not grow!
Zelda is meowing in the hallway
We miss them too much.

One Hundred Things

1.) I love swearing. No, really, it shakes my body awake with laughter! I even like to write swear words. There is nothing like dropping an 'F' Bomb!
2.) My toenails are ALWAYS red!
3.) I'm horrible on the phone. I make it awkward and rushed but it doesn't mean that I don't love you.
4.) My mom is probably the coolest and most amazing person I know!
5.) I miss Washington everyday.
6.) I talk to my cat. And she answers. Zelda is one smart cookie!
7.) And speaking of cookies, I make em'! All the time! And Pies. And Brownies. Want something, I'll bake it for you!
8.) I love getting dressed up and taking absolutely ridiculous pictures. Videos are even better!
9.) I was blessed with the most amazing brothers and sisters! I love them insanely and would do anything to make sure that they are happy...so don't f*ck with them! :)
10.) I have at least one out-of-town visitor a month! My doors are always open..wanna come to Hollywood?
11.) I wish that I was more informed. Foreign policy, Immigration, Politics and Economics. Because then I could make an informed decision.
12.) I love country music! Cheesy crap!
13.) I believe in Ghosts. I grew up in a Haunted House so just tell me that they aren't real!
14.) I can't wait to see more of the world! Brazil, Argentina, Egypt, India, Portugal, France (yep, still haven't been there!) wherever..I want to see it all!
15.) I love the goodwill! I grooove on the whole experience..even that tranny who keeps eyeballing my sequined dress! ha!
16.) I want Chocolate everyday...and I deny myself little! Typically I'll opt for Rocky Road Ice cream.
17.) I'm kinda over drinking. And I think that there must be something wrong with me...
18.) Grass between my toes...ahhhh...and maybe the dirt is a little damp so that it squishes up and makes your feet all muddy. I love it!
19.) I play my music LOUD!!!! All of it! All of the time. I'll probably have poor hearing when I am older.
20.) Sometimes I smile so much that my face hurts. And I defiantly laugh enough to cause a cramp in my stomach. It is amazing!
21.) I don't really 'do' breakfast. And I know that it is bad.
22.) I still look for things among the clouds.
23.) Oh, and I wish on all the brightest stars. If I want if bad enough, my wish comes true...all in due time, little one.
24.) I miss working on house projects. I even miss sanding...Oh the days of Colonel Sanders... 25.) I wish you all the best in everything. And I mean it with all that is inside of me!
26.) I'm really tired...I have to finish this later.

Where have I gone? Swallowed. Gobbled down by a giant black beadle who was nothing more than hungry. Not malicious or mean, just hungry. And who can fault him for that?
I have been floating inside of his stomach, drowning in Black Beadle stomach acid. Consumed and voraciously digested.
I have fallen out the otherside (excuse the visual). I have been given back to the Earth. Almost whole.